I think the biggest thing that has hindered me, besides the fears that plague my mind is the fact that I can be so self-centered. I might want to help people, love on people...but I, without thinking, am expecting something in return. Something from God. In my prayers, I pray for all that I want fixed with me, what I wish could happen to me like finding the right man to be my husband or that I could be a beautiful Godly woman. Then I pray for others. I am reflecting now on this system that I have made. I seem to think that if I pray for others next, at least I will have gotten it in, after all my selfish requests. God knows what my heart wants, but why do I insist on asking for these things, everyday, and pushing others to the end of it? What does my OCD-ridden mind believe will be accomplished by this? My prayers are like boring lists rather than conversations. Is this how it is supposed to be? Am I supposed to just sit and talk to God, not expecting to hear anything back? Or, better yet, how might I recognize His voice? I get so frustrated, not understanding how I can hear from Him and know it is Him. My confusion, combined with the sneaky dealings of satanic demons, make my mind reel with panic. My fears come to the forefront, blinding me from anything remotely true. This is no way to handle it...yet I know this but still continue.
Conversing with God only seems simple and to the point when I feel so broken, I can't explain the feelings to anyone but God. The warring that goes on inside my heart and mind rip my internal dwelling to shreads. That is no place for God to rest, now is it?
I was reading a devotional of Oswald Chambers online "My Utmost For His Highest", probably the most famous of devotionals. Today's reading was about becoming an intercessor instead of looking into myself and my own needs. It seems that spiritual maturity will not abound if I cannot look past my own insignificance. We cannot lift ourselves up and the same time as we lift up someone else. It isn't supposed to work that way. God wants us to uplift others, that way everyone will not dwell on their own selfish pride, but humbly boast of God in the life of someone else, encouraging them in their walk, and in their own knowledge of their significance. This is the only way to build on the Body. Otherwise, our pride will rule us out.
This may not make much sense, but in my mind, it has brought a lot of new things to my mind. It's giving up this pedestal I stand on to put others higher, let them stand up there!
Humility brings you down to your lowest so that others may rise on your behalf, and others shall raise you up on theirs. Love abounds in it.
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