Why must it take my energy to be lost to be revived by You?
Why do I let it get that far?
My mind ponders You, but stops short at finding You.
How great are these mysteries that You try to reveal to me...
Yet I run so hard, I miss the signs.
When I sit in Your presence the peace is unimaginable.
What keeps me from coming to this place again?
The feeble words I speak are but rejected mumbles compared to what You share.
Your Word is as mighty as thunder, but as gentle as the breeze.
It breaks my fears and drowns my pride,
but tells of Your relentless love.
It is a sword and the greatest love story ever told.
May I ever seek Your face in the pages and hear You speaking to my soul.
May I constantly run to You with all I have, leaving nothing behind to lay at Your feet.
Mold me and shape me into the beauty You desire, remove the blemishes this world creates.
You alone have the power to bring forth the sun in the morning and the moon at night.
How much more can You change this heart of stone.
"I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!"
Your everlasting hope is consuming, I open wide my arms to it and take a step...
(reference: Psalm 119:32, ESV)
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Stepping Down...in Love.
I think the biggest thing that has hindered me, besides the fears that plague my mind is the fact that I can be so self-centered. I might want to help people, love on people...but I, without thinking, am expecting something in return. Something from God. In my prayers, I pray for all that I want fixed with me, what I wish could happen to me like finding the right man to be my husband or that I could be a beautiful Godly woman. Then I pray for others. I am reflecting now on this system that I have made. I seem to think that if I pray for others next, at least I will have gotten it in, after all my selfish requests. God knows what my heart wants, but why do I insist on asking for these things, everyday, and pushing others to the end of it? What does my OCD-ridden mind believe will be accomplished by this? My prayers are like boring lists rather than conversations. Is this how it is supposed to be? Am I supposed to just sit and talk to God, not expecting to hear anything back? Or, better yet, how might I recognize His voice? I get so frustrated, not understanding how I can hear from Him and know it is Him. My confusion, combined with the sneaky dealings of satanic demons, make my mind reel with panic. My fears come to the forefront, blinding me from anything remotely true. This is no way to handle it...yet I know this but still continue.
Conversing with God only seems simple and to the point when I feel so broken, I can't explain the feelings to anyone but God. The warring that goes on inside my heart and mind rip my internal dwelling to shreads. That is no place for God to rest, now is it?
I was reading a devotional of Oswald Chambers online "My Utmost For His Highest", probably the most famous of devotionals. Today's reading was about becoming an intercessor instead of looking into myself and my own needs. It seems that spiritual maturity will not abound if I cannot look past my own insignificance. We cannot lift ourselves up and the same time as we lift up someone else. It isn't supposed to work that way. God wants us to uplift others, that way everyone will not dwell on their own selfish pride, but humbly boast of God in the life of someone else, encouraging them in their walk, and in their own knowledge of their significance. This is the only way to build on the Body. Otherwise, our pride will rule us out.
This may not make much sense, but in my mind, it has brought a lot of new things to my mind. It's giving up this pedestal I stand on to put others higher, let them stand up there!
Humility brings you down to your lowest so that others may rise on your behalf, and others shall raise you up on theirs. Love abounds in it.
Conversing with God only seems simple and to the point when I feel so broken, I can't explain the feelings to anyone but God. The warring that goes on inside my heart and mind rip my internal dwelling to shreads. That is no place for God to rest, now is it?
I was reading a devotional of Oswald Chambers online "My Utmost For His Highest", probably the most famous of devotionals. Today's reading was about becoming an intercessor instead of looking into myself and my own needs. It seems that spiritual maturity will not abound if I cannot look past my own insignificance. We cannot lift ourselves up and the same time as we lift up someone else. It isn't supposed to work that way. God wants us to uplift others, that way everyone will not dwell on their own selfish pride, but humbly boast of God in the life of someone else, encouraging them in their walk, and in their own knowledge of their significance. This is the only way to build on the Body. Otherwise, our pride will rule us out.
This may not make much sense, but in my mind, it has brought a lot of new things to my mind. It's giving up this pedestal I stand on to put others higher, let them stand up there!
Humility brings you down to your lowest so that others may rise on your behalf, and others shall raise you up on theirs. Love abounds in it.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Galatians 3 and 4: Liberty vs. Legalism
This summer has been pretty cool so far. God has given me a curious spirit to learn and grow and really dig deep into His word. This past week I have been reading Galatians and I stopped reading 1 Kings. I don't usually just stop in the middle of books, but I am realizing that it was very much OCD or just routine. Our relationships isn't based on what books we read, although reading through books is an amazing thing to do, but when it comes to be that you HAVE to read a book all the way through, then it becomes routine. God doesn't want our routine. So, with that I decided to read the first of four smaller letters of Paul's. When I got to Galatians 3, I was completely blown away. In this chapter it talked about the law and how it isn't meant to rule and regulate your life, but be a "tutor" for living a Godly lifestyle for Christ. We tend to see things in such a different way than this. I know I am a culperate for just doing the minimum, or doing the same thing everyday for a quiet time or just living out my daily life. This chapter spoke volumes on this in all 25 verses. Living out this life of routine and abiding the law as much as you can is so dull sometimes. It is like scraping nails on a chalk board, you don't gain anything and it causes more annoyance than pleasure to be diving into God's Word. And for the next chapter, it speaks about legalism, and how it can ruin so much. It can ruin your walk, other peoples walks and doesn't bring any glory to God. It brings your pride to full view because you think YOU on your own can live a perfect life. HA! God doesn't want your pride but your humility. Oh to be humble!
I have recognized this a lot lately while being at home. I have this tendancy to ridicule my parents or to judge their lifestyle based off the people I see at school. I look at the parents of friends or of professors who have children and live a seemingly great godly life and live out what they preach. When I am at home, I see it differently, where I feel like I have to say something to make a point about how they handle things. I do believe my parents to be Christians, but the way they live question so much of their character and how MUCH they follow what they read. And this all may be the case, but what is my role in this? Do I rebuke or as a daughter have to pray when these moments of anger and judging begin to creep about. I have talked about it a few times with Annmarie, my friend at the church and "boss" for my internship. She has been in similar situations, and she has told me that sometimes I do need to say something, but most of the time, the best I can do is pray. When these times of offense come, I need to pray. And I can see how this will work. The more I get frustrated, the more my parents seem to just get worse, haha. I almost become hypocritical. What a lesson to learn this summer! I have been really critiquing and modifying my character this summer, I'm learning more patience than I have before...well...really I have just paid better attention to my impatience. I pray that I will be able to really learn to think before I speak, and let prayer be that "tool" to do so. It works only if I try it.
I love these two chapters, it proves how liberating our relationship with Christ is, if we don't let ourselves get in the way. Our motivations must be pure as well. I don't know if it is Satan or God's testing that people come into our lives, especially of the opposite sex, to test our motives for living a Godly lifestyle. This has been an eye-opener for me as well this summer. Someone new has been brought to my attention, but I have found that I am learning to concentrate on God more heavily to protect myself! Haha. This may or may not make sense, but my motives are in question currently for wanting to draw nearer. Either it is too impress or because I can't seem to focus ENOUGH on Him. I think the latter is what I am trying to remember because the first brings a falsehood which on trial ends up emabarassing you. Blah! Oh the many times this has occurred. The inner workings of the heart, the ones more personal and between you and God are usually the ones that shine your beauty most. The beauty that you wanted to keep to yourself, but God brings into the light because it is your most tender and genuine abilities. He rejoices in that, and it is when you are more beautiful. What a thing to think when you are "hiding" these in your heart for God, you shine brightest. He blesses those who draw near and keep the greatest parts for Him. What a lesson I still need to learn!
Lord, I pray that You will help me to learn these lessons. Let my inner beauty shine forth, and let my motives be right. I pray that my own idea of living for You will not interfere with others growth, as it has. May I not judge so quickly based on others lives. May I protect my heart by Your words and strength so that these characteristics may become a part of my character. You are amazing God, I pray that I will stay teachable and soak up wisdom and knowledge like a sponge! Amen.
I have recognized this a lot lately while being at home. I have this tendancy to ridicule my parents or to judge their lifestyle based off the people I see at school. I look at the parents of friends or of professors who have children and live a seemingly great godly life and live out what they preach. When I am at home, I see it differently, where I feel like I have to say something to make a point about how they handle things. I do believe my parents to be Christians, but the way they live question so much of their character and how MUCH they follow what they read. And this all may be the case, but what is my role in this? Do I rebuke or as a daughter have to pray when these moments of anger and judging begin to creep about. I have talked about it a few times with Annmarie, my friend at the church and "boss" for my internship. She has been in similar situations, and she has told me that sometimes I do need to say something, but most of the time, the best I can do is pray. When these times of offense come, I need to pray. And I can see how this will work. The more I get frustrated, the more my parents seem to just get worse, haha. I almost become hypocritical. What a lesson to learn this summer! I have been really critiquing and modifying my character this summer, I'm learning more patience than I have before...well...really I have just paid better attention to my impatience. I pray that I will be able to really learn to think before I speak, and let prayer be that "tool" to do so. It works only if I try it.
I love these two chapters, it proves how liberating our relationship with Christ is, if we don't let ourselves get in the way. Our motivations must be pure as well. I don't know if it is Satan or God's testing that people come into our lives, especially of the opposite sex, to test our motives for living a Godly lifestyle. This has been an eye-opener for me as well this summer. Someone new has been brought to my attention, but I have found that I am learning to concentrate on God more heavily to protect myself! Haha. This may or may not make sense, but my motives are in question currently for wanting to draw nearer. Either it is too impress or because I can't seem to focus ENOUGH on Him. I think the latter is what I am trying to remember because the first brings a falsehood which on trial ends up emabarassing you. Blah! Oh the many times this has occurred. The inner workings of the heart, the ones more personal and between you and God are usually the ones that shine your beauty most. The beauty that you wanted to keep to yourself, but God brings into the light because it is your most tender and genuine abilities. He rejoices in that, and it is when you are more beautiful. What a thing to think when you are "hiding" these in your heart for God, you shine brightest. He blesses those who draw near and keep the greatest parts for Him. What a lesson I still need to learn!
Lord, I pray that You will help me to learn these lessons. Let my inner beauty shine forth, and let my motives be right. I pray that my own idea of living for You will not interfere with others growth, as it has. May I not judge so quickly based on others lives. May I protect my heart by Your words and strength so that these characteristics may become a part of my character. You are amazing God, I pray that I will stay teachable and soak up wisdom and knowledge like a sponge! Amen.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Genuine Faith- starts with humility
One thing I have realized is that praying for genuine faith comes with a spectrum of difficulties that only God could conjure up to help build faith muscles. This week, and I am sure for the enduring summer, I will prove this to be true. God has listened to my wishes of being genuine in my faith, humble and dependent, so that I could be a better leader, or so I could minister better. I lue of being chosen to be an SLD, I realized that there is so much more expected from an SLD than of a Prayer Leader. Not that either is better than the other, I enjoyed being a PL and would recommend the experience to anyone and everyone...who of course was fit for it and up to the challenge of reaching out to the people on their hall and loving them. What I mean is that, compared to the duties I had prior, more will be expected from me, my time, and from my school work. I prayed before school ended that I could have genuine faith, so that my ministry would reflect this. I didn't realize how tough it would be to see it unfold before me, as I am learning to trust in His love and in Him completely. I am excited for this opportunity, but the anxiety still reaches its maximum at almost every minute it can grip me. It catches me off-guard lots of times, when I feel that I am at my best. This is my first step towards genuine faith- ridding this anxiety and allowing me to have LIBERTY in Christ. I say Liberty more so than Freedom, just because my goal is to learn how to have genuine faith before my school year starts as an SLD.
I feel honored to have this position, but it has been so humbling trying to trust this summer. It is making me reflect on how much I try and rely on myself, and this battle will be on going for a while. I have built up so many systems and ideas in my head that it will take a lot of working thru to get it out of my way. Right now, it is an obstacle in my path of a better ministry. I think of John 15, the vine and the branches. I love this verse, but it is not one because it is happy go lucky or anything, but it is powerful and I feel that this process of ridding the bad fruit is something I am currently in. It hurts for sure, it isn't easy, and it is frightening because I am having to think outside of my own box. I have cried almost everyday, I miss being at school just because I feel like I grow so much there, and I enjoy these amazing opportunities God has set before me. However, this is another opportunity for me to grow even more, and I want so much for this to be able to help me in my ministry and as an SLD. I pray that this summer will be spent on my knees and in the Word, continuing to learn about Him, learn how to really have genuine faith, and ultimately to change for the better so that I can be the best SLD I can be for my PL's and for the hall.
Principles of a Daughter of Design #1: Daughters of Design have genuine faith...and it starts with humility.
I feel honored to have this position, but it has been so humbling trying to trust this summer. It is making me reflect on how much I try and rely on myself, and this battle will be on going for a while. I have built up so many systems and ideas in my head that it will take a lot of working thru to get it out of my way. Right now, it is an obstacle in my path of a better ministry. I think of John 15, the vine and the branches. I love this verse, but it is not one because it is happy go lucky or anything, but it is powerful and I feel that this process of ridding the bad fruit is something I am currently in. It hurts for sure, it isn't easy, and it is frightening because I am having to think outside of my own box. I have cried almost everyday, I miss being at school just because I feel like I grow so much there, and I enjoy these amazing opportunities God has set before me. However, this is another opportunity for me to grow even more, and I want so much for this to be able to help me in my ministry and as an SLD. I pray that this summer will be spent on my knees and in the Word, continuing to learn about Him, learn how to really have genuine faith, and ultimately to change for the better so that I can be the best SLD I can be for my PL's and for the hall.
Principles of a Daughter of Design #1: Daughters of Design have genuine faith...and it starts with humility.
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