The Winding Path to Love

Sanctification:

The process of becoming set apart or declared holy; consecrated.

“so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. ³⁰And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, ³¹so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” ~ 1 Corinthians 1:28-31

One of the greatest places where we can see the grace of God most evident would be in the doctrine and process of Sanctification. As a Christian, we are most certainly thankful for this process, because if it just stopped at Justification, we would wonder if our Justification was right in the first place. Sanctification is the means of which we stay in check with God, and grow in every aspect of our life.

Sanctification is the process following our Justification by God, that looks more like a winding, uphill path with eternal life with Christ as it’s final stop. It’s messy, it’s tough, but it is beautiful still. And I think we forget that we are in the sanctification process a lot more than we might think we do.

This is evident often in the choices we make, behaviors we exhibit, and honestly a multitude of quite obvious things that can sometimes cause us to forget that we are on a journey, and ultimately that it isn’t perfect because we are only being made perfect, not perfect in itself. I tend to easily critique decisions I want to make or do make, and sometimes I take it closer to heart than I should. In those moments I realize that I have forgotten that sanctification is this perfecting process, and it doesn’t mean failure…it means a new turn, or new lesson learn, or outright new growth taking place. Growth hurts, and often hits your pride where it needs to be hit and knocked down. Then, the next step after repentance, we start again from there keeping in mind what has happened. In other words, it can be a fancy, spiritual word for growing in maturity.

How do you deal with your mishaps? Can it devastate you if you let it? I tend to do that, especially if it pertains to ministry. I think God has lead me on a path towards ministry, and if I forget that growing in maturity is taking place at all times, any mistake I make can cause me to think I have messed up beyond repair, when at times it could just be a careless mistake that just wasn’t handle properly once, but won’t happen again. I’m always looking for the one thing that will ruin it for me for the rest of my life. How silly does that sound? I am waiting for myself to mess up what God has put into motion. Hmm…. Relying on my own strength or on my own actions is dangerous, especially to being useful or to growth.

This is all from personal, and quite recent experience. A careless and innocent (but still quite serious) mistake happened concerning boundaries, easily fixable and was more a matter of a “better and best” decision, but it left me devastated for a few days because I want to avoid compromising in any area, especially if it affects other people outright…and I didn’t chose best (if that makes sense). Now I did it. I messed up where I shouldn’t have, my abilities as a leader have been ruined and now I have to try and fix it. Do you see the heinous and prideful way about all of this? In essence, I was calling shots in areas where God was just trying to keep in order, not completely stop in their tracks. I am so thankful for His revealing this, because honestly no heart can take that kind of weight. The weight of being perfect and making all the right decisions is ruthless. It isn’t meant to be carried alone, or really carried at all. It isn’t ours to bear. It has already been carried, we just need to be obedient to heed the restraints and corrections of God to push forward and to keep doing the will of God.

“But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life.”
~ Romans 6:22

Romans 6:22 is such a good verse to remember when times turn out looking like the mess I was describing above. This process takes a lifetime. A lifetimes of great and awesome successes, and frustrating and painful mistakes. As a culture, we buy into trying to get something now or be in some state of our lives now. And this can infiltrate EVERY part of our lives if we let it. But God clearly has kept it so that there is not reaching perfection in this life. The mistakes and successes all add up to who God is making us to be, to someday be perfect in His eyes and ready for what the Kingdom has in store for us. This is so comforting. While we try and avoid mistakes or when things go badly, they sometimes will happen, and for a reason. Sanctification is beautiful, messy, lovely, and rough…but by the grace of God an invaluable gift. And we should avoid all mistakes, but we won’t be able to avoid them all. We are to try though, and with God’s guidance we will be directed how we should go and do what we should when we obey. His leading is never wrong.

I think it is time to take a gander at the Sanctification paper I wrote in Romans class…it was probably one of my favorite papers to write. If you have not heard about the doctrine of Sanctification or are curious about it, let me know. The Book of Romans has a lot on the doctrine.

Someone Elses Child

There is a common saying amongst parents of children lost in war, or when their children are overseas fighting that states "It can't always be someone else's son." We get worked up about the other parents that are hoping against any decision their child might make to join the military and fight. We will get so frustrated, thinking "do they know who I am?! Do they remember who they are saying this to?" And so, in that respect this little tension begins, sometimes it is forgotten, sometimes it is not. But, the saying still goes "It can't always be someone else's son." And it usually only applies to war, but I thought about this in a different light today. And the light I found it under was that of global justice and compassion.

There is this tendency when it comes to giving of gifts or sharing with the impoverished that looks almost familial to the previous statement above. We don't usually voice it though, because if we did we would clearly show our lack of compassion, and we want to keep that face as pristine as possible. Even if it is fake. However, in our hearts and minds, we know our thought when we see people in poverty on the street, we think that someone else will give them money. Or someone else will reach out, it can't always be us. My one question is when was giving ever given a limit? And who decides who gets to give and when someone else will? If we all have this in the back of our minds, I am thinking that more often then not nobody is giving anything up.

So, in a sense we are saying "It can't always be my paycheck", or "it can't always be this time around when I am in the city", or "I only have enough for me, and two dollars would be lame so I won't give at all...just walk by fast and not make eye contact...then you don't have to feel so bad". And so it goes from Christian society to secular society, and the world continues to collapse into hardened attitudes and deeper poverty (monetarily and emotionally). I may be a bit dreamer-esque in my writing tonight, trying to find the cure to this white-elephant-in-the-room issue...but clearly if this issue has been brought up so much, we aren't listening.

I think the most frustrating this is when it is in your own family of circle of people. Your heart can burn for the world at large around you, you see needs and you know the help is out there...but nobody else seems to see it the way you do. Especially family, and they usually think you are unreasonable to want to not always care to live completely secure financially, that you want so much to help alleviate issues that you see can at least for the moment be dulled. It is doubly hard if they are Christians and desire your comfortable lifestyle, going up against a lot of what that titled of Christian constitutes. I have found that harder lately, when my heart grows burdensome for the homeless, the poor, or even just people in need emotionally and spiritually around me that if I attempt at anything to help, many people see it as reckless and clearly some 24-year-old doesn't know how to handle money or make proper choices. These voices in my ears keep conflicting with the Scripture in my eyes. This is where the true test begins. God's Word over man's mad attempt at controlling it all and knowing it all. It's enticing to pursue the comfort of everything reasonable. But the pursuit clashes with what is expected in terms of obedience. Christ never had it comfortable, his disciples surely never had it comfortable, and Foxes Book of Martyrs would tell you otherwise as well. A Cross that is to be picked up daily is never comfortable. It is heavy, it causes splinters to dig into your skin, it causes fatigue, and that is all just the figurative. In reality, our crosses we bear are not meant to be just a statement to help us sound more righteous...they actually do cause discomfort. We shouldn't be surprised. The Cross is to be counted as joy, the things we endure as joy, the decisions we have to make as joy...even if they are against what the rest of the world tells us.

So where do we go from here. Right now, this is a rant coming from a girl who is trying to discern God's voice on this issue against the voices of culture and family members. Who will we listen to? It can't always be someone else, and we should be jumping at the opportunity to share in the wealth of hope we have in Christ, and that means of our pockets and blessings that we hold on too tightly to. May we see people as Christ sees them, and may we be willing to listen when God calls us to care for his people in need. May we learn to be obedient despite the call to rationality.

There and Back Again

I don't really remember the last time I posted on here. It has been a while since I have discovered Tumblr, but I miss the true art of a good blog. Sure, Tumblr has some perks, it is a lot easier to use, but simplicity isn't always a good thing. So, here I am again on Blogger, glad to be for an unprofessional on a more professional blog.

So, I am back in Connecticut, living at home. I just looked at the last time I posted and it was over a year ago! WHOA! So much has changed. I went back to school for the fall semester, but ended up dropping out of Seminary to come back home. Dropping out really isn't the proper term to use, more like gracefully bowing out or...listening to God when He tells me again to do something since I didn't listen the first time. Good ol' Dad. I knew in May of 2010 I wanted to come home and should have stayed home, but fear made me turn back and go back to school. God was patient with me, thankfully. It wasn't until my desires changed and when I grew up a little that I realized Lynchburg in all its loveliness was no longer my home. There was a bigger need here in New England.

Almost full circle from when I began to feel the pull to come home, and I am still not all that sure what I am doing here. I can tell you that it has been a whirl-wind of decisions and wrestling with God that has turned out to be a wonderful time if I let it be. I heard today while listening to Jon Acuff's convocation talk that when we wrestle with God it is one of the highest forms of intimacy. You cannot wrestle with someone who is distant. So for all the moments I have huffed, mumbled, and griped about this frustrating season of God-wrestlemania, I am starting to see what he is talking about.

The major struggles I have had lately have been trying to see what the past three years away at school have to do with how things are now. Did I pick the right major? Should I be looking to something different? Why do I feel like I have failed? Am I really any different than when I left to go to school? What do I make of all of this? Why didn't anyone tell me I would have to work for the rest of my life? (I don't know how I didn't really grasp this one. I mean HELLO?!) And lastly...What is God doing?

What is God doing? He's doing a lot of things that in the moment just seem like one big test of my patience. It's like making a dog do a trick for a treat. You know, the one where you put the treat on their nose and make them hold it there until you say "go!" Those moments are so frustrating, they make your stomach ache for something that you can see (or can just feel) and you have to wait to retrieve them. What's more frustrating is when you don't know what the treat is, if it exists, or if God is just putting His finger on your nose just to see if you will listen either way. Lovely.

One of the greatest blessings I have received since I got home and been churning through these questions and emotions has been the counsel and encouragement from wonderful Christians around me. I could name a few people, but I think they know who they are. They have been beacons for me to search out when I feel lost, and have been motivating to me to the nth the degree. WHAT a blessing. They probably just think they are doing what comes natural, making it even more awe-inspiring to me. Natural grace, power, meekness, and compassion can turn a normal moment together into one etched in the mind of those on the receiving end. I just had a weekend full of those moments.

Anyways, more to come on the frustrations and joys of life, now that I am back on Blogger. So many more adventures to come now with my new camera, new hiking backpack, and new ideas that I am learning to have the confidence to seek after. God is good...oh so very good.

"Our passions are the true phoenixes; when the old one is burnt out, a new one rises from its ashes. " ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Wise Words from Susanna Wesley

Here is a great quote from Susanna Wesley about, in essence, our sensitivity to sin, and how to discern what sin is in our lives.

"Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, takes off your relish for spiritual things, whatever increases the authority of the body over the mind, that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may seem in itself."~ Susanna Wesley

In Search of Classy Nobility

This summer has been quite interesting so far. Not much writing has occurred since I started my math class, that was on the forefront. But throughout, I got these spurts of creativity, that may or may not have been displayed on Facebook. I wanted to find beautiful pictures to put as my profile pictures. Things that I thought were classy, or artsy, or anything my mind thought of. There is even a precious picture of a moose that is to be a reminder to all of my favorite animal. :0)

But, today I was quite disheartened in my pursuit of photographic artistry. Google certainly failed me, and Flickr will not let me save pictures anymore. Anything I typed I was mentally pushed into the onslaught of vulgarity and perverseness that truly did not match up with the words I was typing in the search engine.

I have been going through a Bible study on the book and character of Ruth. It is probably one of the best studies I have done. I have enjoyed daily going through it and learning about the remarkable character of Ruth. It is something that increasingly lost in this society. I think any Christian woman would agree that we crave to see this type of person out there in high society, making an impact in the world. Our cravings come up short because that is not what culture deems admirable. So we continue to find ourselves reducing ourselves to trying to live up to the standards left in the wake of cultures aftermath. We pick up the pieces and wonder why our hearts burn for something more. Praise God we have Ruth as an example, in written form of what this type of woman was like. Otherwise it would be just a fable in a book of virtues, left on a shelf to be picked up by a bored little kid in a bookstore. But it is true and alive.

As I am writing this now, I thought "maybe it is our job to do it." I was caught off-guard. I am so quick to sit here and complain of the extenuated circumstances without posing any real plan of action. Forgive me for my rant, but this topic affects me deeply. And after reading this book this thorough it breaking my heart to see the tired faces of women crawling on their knees to a false perfection. God's idea of beauty and noble character is so revolutionary 2,000 years later. If we only could grasp the concept and kept our vision in pursuing such a title. We would hurt less in our singleness, our marriages, our sibling-hood, and daughterhood...if those are even words. We would strive so much less because God has called us to seek this type of lifestyle. It is a joyful journey to try to match God step-for-step in His character. But, what must we do to encourage and bring women to an understanding of this? Would campaigning be enough? Would writing books on the effort cause heads to turn? I wish it were so because I would love to write that book.

I want to understand femininity, sophistication, classy-ness, timeless beauty, and loveliness. Doesn't any girl? What does God exactly say this is? How are we to classify it without stepping on people's toes, and most importantly on God's? I think this is His territory, if we allow Him to speak truth into the hearts of women we may actually have a clearer understanding when we see it through His eyes.


Read the book of Ruth. Ruth 3:11 is probably one of my top 10 favorite passages now. I wish someday for my husband to say such a thing about me, but most importantly for God to claim that over me. A woman of noble character...what an honor!

Northern Exposure: Boston

(This is just a short reflection on what happened in Boston, there is much more!)

I had the most compelling trip I have ever been on this past Spring Break in Boston. I love the city so much, not just because of its architecture, history, and beauty. Not because of it's athletic achievement, or its cinematic accomplishments (I love seeing the City Hall that is in the Departed, or the store that had furniture and items from various films). Not because of it's academia of prestigious proportions, although the fact that Boston has most of the top schools all in one area and that is incredibly amazing). But, because it is in need of being loved on in more ways than what it is producing.

The pastor of the Charles River Church that we were helping out, Josh, said it best that Boston was a graveyard of what they call church planting in Boston. Boston is considered now by statistical standards to be an unreached people group. It is hard to be a Christian there, much less to plant churches there that will grow and thrive in a spiritually hostile area such as Boston. Knowledge gained out weighs true wisdom, and the battle is constantly raging all the time, and is increasing in its mortality on both fronts. We had this intriguing discussion with a man outside of Harvard University (Outside of The Coop). His name was Bruce, he was probably about 60 years-old or so, and he has been doing sidewalk "evangelism" since October there right outside of the university. I put evangelism in quotes, mainly because he was not evangelizing as how we have come accustomed to it here at Liberty. He was not forceful in trying to get people to engage in conversation with him. He had signs that said 'Take my Bible quiz and learn to think for yourself. Beware of Men- Jesus." He told us he would talk to whoever was intrigued enough to talk to him, sometimes for five minutes or for five hours. He talked to Jews, Atheists, Christians (of all theologies), and just wanted to pick the brains of people. He felt that God was preparing him for years in his studies for this. He didn't go to school, but had studied for so long that he was quite knowledgeable of the Bible and theology. He gave two options for the quiz: from the Tanak or the New Covenant. We were given a sample of his quiz, increasingly getting more difficult as we went on. People would come up an listen, or leave (one guy was mad and started to shout things, which I am sure Bruce is used to).

But, as we stayed there, we learned of Bruce's dissatisfaction with the church. He was struggling with finding a church that fit, mainly because he felt they weren't preaching on studying the Word or whatever else he felt they needed to be preaching. We saw his frustration with pastors and the church as a whole. It was sad because we could tell he wanted fellowship, which the church is supposed to be, but he wasn't receiving it. I don't exactly know what he was looking for, but he said he was looking for people to give things back to him, as he was giving out. He asked if we had anything to give him, I think in the sense of anything of worth, encouragement might have helped, but I still think he was striving to grasp for more of whatever we could give. I think there are many people out there struggling to grasp for anything, and in a way pushing a way a lot of things that would nourish their thirsty souls. If you are reading this, please add Bruce to your prayer list, it is a lonely world where he is, and is in need of encouragement and also a better roof over his head. He told us he was homeless for a while, and the place he is staying now isn't that great.

Homelessness was a big thing we saw there. I have seen homeless people before, but this trip I was much more aware of the people around me, and I saw pain and frustration, but I was blessed to see a smiling face on the last day we were in Boston. This man was sitting by the T station at Boston Universities bookstore. He had a sign that said God Bless You next to his can and a Bible. I gave him some money, and he smiled. I hadn't seen a homeless person smile like that. There was hope in his eyes, and he wasn't impatient or seemingly distraught as I think we perceive the homeless to be. His easiness almost made me want to sit and talk with him for a while, to see what was in his heart. As I reflect on this now, I feel so much emotion that I hadn't felt at that moment when I saw him and gave him a few bucks. I am mad that my heart did not burn with heartache for this man, of whom Jesus said to care for because when we do, we are caring for Him. Those few dollars were not enough. But, nonetheless, this man's smile made it seems as if it were a great sum. Pray for him, pray that he finds shelter and money, but also that he continues strong in his faith. God will reward him much for the little that he had and gives. Pray for the others out there as well, sitting on church stairs, building corners, park benches, and T stations. There were many street performers that we saw as well, and most of them were quite talented. Pray that they come to know Christ and can use such a talent to bring glory to God.

Pray for the Charles River Church. They are starting their first service this Easter and have been plowing ahead to get everything ready. We were able to go out into the target communities and talk about the church and we were able to reach out to the community at the same time. We passed out flyer cards about the church with granola bars and Via coffees. My favorite part, and probably the most rewarding was giving out the beach balls to the little children. We went to playgrounds and parks around the area and talked with moms and kids. They were delighted to have the balls, and the parents were very open. I was nervous at first to do it, I had never done anything like this. This whole experience has grown me so much to come boldly to the world and show Christ to people, even in the smallest of gestures as a smile or a beach ball. Boston is a rough area, people aren't used to freely caring for others, or giving others a kind glance and smile. When we gave out beach balls, the kids would ask if they were to keep. Parents and adults would ask if there was a catch, or just give us weird looks, then relax and smile. People are desiring a change there, they just don't know what yet. Pray that people will consider questioning what it might be, remember this church, and go there. Not just on Easter, but after that as well. Pray that their hearts are soft and their eyes are opened to the Word of God, the hope in Christ, and the beauty of true fellowship with Christians. God is going to do amazing things at this church, and in the lives of those on staff. So much prayer and vision has gone into this, and they have been blessed in huge and small ways. Please, put them on your prayer list and constantly be praying for strength and the boldness to shine a light amidst the darkness in New England. They have already begun being that light, and it was such a blessing to be a small part of their planning and putting it together. If you would like to know other ways you can help, let me know! This place is raw for awakening, it just has to be set on fire and that can only be done by people who allow God to use them there, and go with pure boldness.

My plan is after these next 7 weeks of school and graduation, that I can live there myself. I have always loved it there, but I was increasingly falling in love with Boston as the week went on. There is so much I have to get done right away, but it is propelling me with an excited heart to action to get it done. Pray that I can get all the applications in for jobs this week and that I can find out soon for a job after I do it. I have possible roommates, I just need a way of paying for an apartment. I would greatly appreciate it.


"Preach abroad. It is the cooping yourselves up in rooms that has dampened the work of God, which never was and never will be carried out to any purpose without going into the highways and hedges and compelling men and women to come in."- Jonathan Edwards (New England preacher in the First Awakening)

The Joy of Singleness

It is amazing how much God can transform hearts to find splendor in the most mundane and annoying of things...such as Valentine's day. Yesterday was a very good day, and the fact that I was single didn't affect how I felt. This was new for me. Granted, like any normal human being, I do wish for marriage and that relationship. It has been a new thing for me to fight my flesh and be content in this time given by God to use my singleness for a purpose. And that is what it is, a time of purpose for the Kingdom of God. I kept thinking about 1 Corinthians 7, the infamous passages about Paul's view of singleness. He viewed it as a blessing. It wasn't just a few from an ordinary man though. Paul's outlook and mindset was complete run by the Spirit, so all that was written was God-breathed, just as much as the commands given for holy living and spiritual courage that are all throughout his letters. Paul's encouragement of positively using our singleness for the glory of God was no mistake or option. I love this about that passage as well. He makes it clear that our singleness is, in a sense, just as important or blessed as marriage is.

Our culture hates this idea. It makes us feel useless and unloved when the world around us is full of couples, betrothed (to use biblical speech), and married couples. It is especially hard here on campus when every other convo speaker talks about relationships and marriage or your friends get engaged in droves. It is almost inevitable to not get slightly frustrated and sad about our current position in life...if we don't look at it the way Paul explains. It is why it is there. I feel like sometimes we think God doesn't realize what it does to us emotionally, or that maybe He has overlooked us somehow. If that were the case, he wouldn't have such encouragement or a provision for it. That passage is our provision for this stage in our life, and for many this stage isn't just a phase but a lifestyle. If someone lives a life of singleness, then they should be praised and encouraged for the fact that their minds and hearts get to be souly focused on the Lord and the people He wants them to reach. The demand on their life has more freedom attached, as Paul says, to do this. What a gift such people have, and God will bless them for their obedience.

For the rest of us, we must wait and keep our eyes on Christ. If we don't we will dwell in our singleness as if it is a prison instead of what it should be considered. We cannot let culture and pressure be the way we measure our success or our current joy. As easy as it can be, it is spiritually draining and deadly. In Philippians 2:14 it talks about doing nothing with complaining and grumbling. In the spectrum of singleness, this is a great way to start living in a practical way toward succesful singleness, or rather passionate singleness. We can live our single time in full passion for Christ and for others, just as much as if we did it in a partnership with a husband (or wife). We are given a community of believers for this reason. We aren't truly alone in our discipleship and ministry.

Read 1 Corinthians 7 in your Bible. I don't put a lot of these verses in here because I want you to discover these things on your own, in your own translation, so it makes you take some effort. This is a principle that takes more than just reading a passage, but applying it and praying for strength and consistency in doing so. Enjoy the discovery and the process! Be blessed!

The Radiant Beauty of Redemption and Restoration

"...to give them beauty for ashes,..." Isaiah 61:3

I love this whole chapter in Isaiah, but verse 3 is so poignant and moving to any person's soul if they have been claimed by Christ and given their mess of a life over to Him. This past week, for reasons that were out of my control, things were brought up in classes that called for me to reflect on my past. Despite the fact that some days I wish I could forget it all and start a fresh, it doesn't erase it's happening. 19 years do not just wash away in our mind, even though by the grace of God it's residue has been cleared and I am made pure once again. Even though I know this, the pain of more than just physical loss breaks me sometimes. Especially when I have to remember the moments where I could have chosen a better path than I did, only basing my decision to act on selfishness, greed, and ignorance. I need His grace and mercy more then (if it were possible to gain it more) as I do any time.

In my CHMN 403 class we had to look at articles pertaining to teenage girls. Oh, what a dreadful time that was! God blesses me so much with this new frame of mind, I barely remember anything before college. Only bits and pieces of the obvious things that marked my life. But while we were discussing them, I couldn't even speak. I felt my heart hurt as the women in the class told their stories of conquering the great divide between culture and Christ, something I had no clear knowledge of until it was too late and looking into the eternal realm of things had to be done. I was encouraged that these women were strong and I was so proud of them, but I felt so different from the crowd. All of them grew up in these Christian homes where their parents poured into their lives the knowledge of Christ and were examples of it to their children. Their dads were loving men who would make sure they knew their purpose and worth all their lives, and proving to be their greatest human ally in this dark and wicked world. This world I pray so hard for my children to gain and will help to maintain if given the chance...was not my life. Finding out the worlds mysteries and wicked tricks was my own job. I had a standard to uphold of good grades, great athletic ability, and going to college was all there was to it. Be the best, be surrounded by the best, and get the furthest. It seemed so normal though I look back and see a sick outline of depraved creativity that made no way to uniqueness. But, that is New England for you...and in essence, it took leaving Connecticut to appreciate any of it.

Sometimes I have cried out to God wondering why I couldn't have the princess life. Where my dad was king and he protected his daughter with all his might. Where my true talents and gifts were not masked by the need to live up to the parental standards and life of my older brother and every other kid in my town. Where I knew deeply and truly that I was loved by more than anything this world could give me and that my satisfaction was in a God who communes with His chosen, instead of the idea of a distant God. Why me?

The only answer is: So my life would bring Him glory. My life has been no better or worse than anyone elses. My path to Christ was just more unique and pertinant to me than it would have been to anyone else. There are things I have learned about God that others won't understand about Him because my circumstances have allowed secrets of His holiness to be souly precious to me. The feeling of freedom that I have is different from anyone else because it was specially designed for me. His attention to me and my needs breathe new life to me that isn't given to anyone else but me, as all this is the same for every other chosen child. It is incredible what God can do with ashes.

I came out of class yesterday hurt and angry at my own mistakes and the actions of others (i.e. my family). I sulked back to my dorm in a rather fast paced rage with Skillet's "Hero" blaring in my ears (I am from the north and listened to Linkin Park for years when I was frustrated...welcome to the Christian version of that). My heart was pounding and bursting and I almost started to cry. This isn't the first time my memory was jogging and stirred up all kinds of dust from the past, but this time I couldn't share my end of it in class. It split open a more personal wound that I had never addressed before. Yet, when I sat down in my comfy black chair/nap area and let my thoughts collect in proper order, I felt peace. That wasn't me anymore. He didn't have to remove it twice from me, my past was but a memory and a set up lessons I learned from. It wasn't a part of me as it was suppliment to the new life He gave. He has forgiven me for my mistakes, failures, and many pains I gave Him. He restored what was lost by giving me more abundantly ever since. He has continued to sanctify me, molding me to the perfect form He wishes. No memory from my past can override what God has restored and redeemed. The discipline of remembering this and reflecting on that alone is something I (as many others) need to implement into our lives. His power is greater than our mind and the wickedness that tries to rip that gift from our hands. Praise God for His brilliant transforming power and His continued gift of sanctification.

Read the whole chapter of Isaiah 61. Don't just read it as words on a screen or in your own version on the Bible, but as God speaking to you. He is telling you of what He has done and what He wants to do with you and for you. He wants to make your life a glorious victory for Him and His kingdom. What a privilege!

Boston Bound?

This has been a whirlwind week. I had such an exciting day last Wednesday in my CHMN 403 class (Professional Orientation for Women in Ministry) and it had stuck with me ever since. We are doing a major project in that class which consists of us ladies creating a research project full of information on people we want to minister to. We can choose age group and countries, pretty much anything in the realm of reaching women, and all throughout the explanation process, I could hardly contain the thoughts swirling in my mind. It was quite interesting for all the ideas to be coming out the way they were, because I had been fighting so much against anything near when I was beginning to write down. My thoughts automatically went to "New England" and "College/working age 18-30." The part I was fighting most was the New England part.

After I became a Christian and went down to school here in Virginia, I was all about the south. I fought my northern ways, refusing to associate myself with it, leaning more to my mothers southern upbringing. But slowly over the past few years, God has broken my heart for my roots. Although I don't feel right now exactly called to Connecticut, my heart has been moving upwards to Boston. There are so many colleges in one area, and it is the most beautiful and amazing city I have ever been too. So much history, knowledge, and creativity has come out of that city. I love going there, and try as often as I can to do so. During my last visit with my parents, I remember driving around the city wondering if there were any churches around. I don't ever get to stay long enough to see the city in it's prime, so I am sure there are. I also know there are people wanting to plant churches in the city, which gives me hope. I remember driving around, thinking about what it would be like to live there, meeting women and talking with them. I don't even know if that means that it is where I am supposed to be, I just felt like I pictured myself there.

Lately I have been praying for God to give me direction and discernment on this. I want to have the right motives and a clear idea so that I am being obedient, not selfish and wanting something for my own. There are so many reasons to why I could be just thinking up all of this, but at the same time there is seemingly much more out there as to why I feel lead this way.

My project ideas started out as New England as a whole. Mountains and country though, I have found aren't especially kind to me in terms of actually living somewhere. I don't think I could ever live in a place like Maine or New Hampshire, although I seriously love those places, I just don't feel lead there. I continued to be looking over the ideas I had, and I began trying to think of "titles" or main focuses for my ministry...and Boston kept coming up a lot. I even thought about Rhode Island where Bryan is, but in my mind I keep seeing the corner of Boston where Northeastern, Harvard, Boston University, and others are. What an amazing place that area is, seeing the students and all their individuality. Northeastern itself is an amazing art school, and walking near there once I just loved it.

I honestly, right now, feel very confused and unsure. My heart says yes, my mind says yes, but is God saying yes? I am need to prayer to figure this out, and also just so I can do well on this project. I am taking it so seriously, and I want to. It is so exciting to me. I bought a notebook specifically for ideas, and I prayed over my lecturetext and the notebook. I think it is exciting that I am taking it this semester, my last semester before I graduate. I feel like the culmination of my education and degree will be completed with this major project. It is truely exciting. I don't even want to get into what happened the next day, it was quite interesting and that is for another time because I am still trying to pray about that.

There is so much more on my mind concerning this, but I am at work and I can't seem to figure out how to put this all in order: my "feelings," events that have happened since that class, this mounting excitement towards it all...so there is much that I have failed to write. I hope I can formulate a better post for you who are reading...so it makes a bit more sense and it doesn't seem like it is all in my mind.

Just know that I am praying for this, and I need prayer as well. When I talk about all of this, I seem to get so excited and my heart seems to go nuts. I am not one for taking emotions and signs to mean much of anything, so I am trying so hard to decipher properly. Pray for wisdom!

Thanks!

Teenage Girl Bullying

I recently read an article about a 15-year-old girl in Massachusetts (originally from Ireland, so she had what I could imagine a beautiful accent) who had committed suicide. They are saying it was because of excessive bullying through face to face confrontations, text messages, and facebook messages. She was continually harassed. She left behind three sisters and a brother. The thing that really struck me is what her parents said. The article author states, "The family moved to Western Massachusetts last year, in part, 'so that Pheobe could experience America,' they wrote in the death notice stated" (Kathy McCabe, Globe Newspaper Company). The most frustrating thing about that is that she came with hopes and expectations of experiencing what America has to offer...and all she got was horrible relationships with people who weren't accepting of her. Is this what America's newest and brightest are becoming in this world? Teenagers are acting as if this is normal and that downgrading people is the way it should be. Are you kidding me? I don't mean to get angry, but it is mind-boggling to me. My problem is how did it get this way?

It is interesting that not much has changed since I was in high school except the method. High school was horrible for me, but people never harassed me like that. Yeah, I wasn't the most liked of people, there were groups and tiers and I generally fit none of them. I can look back and find that a rather accomplishing feat, but my outlook has changed since then. And if I can think back to what middle school was like, I can remember it being worse than high school was. Being a teenager is the most excrutiating time of our lives, whether we don't fit in or we strive so hard, practically torturing ourselves for some useless position. That position which comes to a halt once you graduate from high school. It amazes me to look back on that and think of all the striving it took to go absolutely nowhere and how our own strivings affected those around us. It some sick game that culture uses and manipulates. Although culture is inevitable and sometimes can be used for benefits (very rarely), it almost seems like a greater evil than we'd like to admit. We don't like to call something evil because it seems to be going overboard...but in light of situations like this, is it really too much? It just doesn't seem that complicated.

I wish I knew the preventative measures to take for this. How do you stop such a beast? It is going to have to take God's hand working in the hearts of so many students and the necessary courage of many to step out and take a stance against this. I pray someday that churches will build up student ministries where God is given the freedom to move in the hearts of students, giving them unparalleled courage to stand up to this, to be different, to be caring and loving even in the face of bullying. It can be done, are we willing? And parents need to be more aware of their students actions (I am sure they play a big part in why students justify doing it), and these situations at school. Parents have the blessed ability to be able to either help or hinder the welfare of their children, whether they believe it or not.

Not to mention, this is occured in New England, in Massachusetts. These are "my people," this is the culture I am so keenly accustomed to. I can see where and why it happened, but it doesn't mean that it acceptable. New England has its own breed of people, and they are in such a great need of love and care that they have not seen before. We seem to have forgotten these people just because they are in the United States, but on any map that shows the evangelical influence, we see that the Northeast as a whole is the largest area of the least reached. It is reached by other things, that is for sure, but the influence of Christ is barely seen. He's there, for sure, but He is waiting for people to be courageous enough to reach such a people...I am so thankful people listened to Him or I would not be able to sit here and write this.

This is probably the most scattered and random of all my blogs, but this has been burning in my heart since I read this article. Opinions expressed are welcome.

Also, please pray for New England. I have a hard time being at home, but it is really an incredible place, and the people are in such need of Jesus and the hope He gives. The more I understand this, the more my heart aches for it. I was in the shoes of a lot of girls that are there now, once.

Feeble Words of a Seeking Heart

Why must it take my energy to be lost to be revived by You?
Why do I let it get that far?
My mind ponders You, but stops short at finding You.
How great are these mysteries that You try to reveal to me...
Yet I run so hard, I miss the signs.
When I sit in Your presence the peace is unimaginable.
What keeps me from coming to this place again?
The feeble words I speak are but rejected mumbles compared to what You share.
Your Word is as mighty as thunder, but as gentle as the breeze.
It breaks my fears and drowns my pride,
but tells of Your relentless love.
It is a sword and the greatest love story ever told.
May I ever seek Your face in the pages and hear You speaking to my soul.
May I constantly run to You with all I have, leaving nothing behind to lay at Your feet.
Mold me and shape me into the beauty You desire, remove the blemishes this world creates.
You alone have the power to bring forth the sun in the morning and the moon at night.
How much more can You change this heart of stone.
"I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!"
Your everlasting hope is consuming, I open wide my arms to it and take a step...

(reference: Psalm 119:32, ESV)

Stepping Down...in Love.

I think the biggest thing that has hindered me, besides the fears that plague my mind is the fact that I can be so self-centered. I might want to help people, love on people...but I, without thinking, am expecting something in return. Something from God. In my prayers, I pray for all that I want fixed with me, what I wish could happen to me like finding the right man to be my husband or that I could be a beautiful Godly woman. Then I pray for others. I am reflecting now on this system that I have made. I seem to think that if I pray for others next, at least I will have gotten it in, after all my selfish requests. God knows what my heart wants, but why do I insist on asking for these things, everyday, and pushing others to the end of it? What does my OCD-ridden mind believe will be accomplished by this? My prayers are like boring lists rather than conversations. Is this how it is supposed to be? Am I supposed to just sit and talk to God, not expecting to hear anything back? Or, better yet, how might I recognize His voice? I get so frustrated, not understanding how I can hear from Him and know it is Him. My confusion, combined with the sneaky dealings of satanic demons, make my mind reel with panic. My fears come to the forefront, blinding me from anything remotely true. This is no way to handle it...yet I know this but still continue.

Conversing with God only seems simple and to the point when I feel so broken, I can't explain the feelings to anyone but God. The warring that goes on inside my heart and mind rip my internal dwelling to shreads. That is no place for God to rest, now is it?

I was reading a devotional of Oswald Chambers online "My Utmost For His Highest", probably the most famous of devotionals. Today's reading was about becoming an intercessor instead of looking into myself and my own needs. It seems that spiritual maturity will not abound if I cannot look past my own insignificance. We cannot lift ourselves up and the same time as we lift up someone else. It isn't supposed to work that way. God wants us to uplift others, that way everyone will not dwell on their own selfish pride, but humbly boast of God in the life of someone else, encouraging them in their walk, and in their own knowledge of their significance. This is the only way to build on the Body. Otherwise, our pride will rule us out.

This may not make much sense, but in my mind, it has brought a lot of new things to my mind. It's giving up this pedestal I stand on to put others higher, let them stand up there!

Humility brings you down to your lowest so that others may rise on your behalf, and others shall raise you up on theirs. Love abounds in it.

Galatians 3 and 4: Liberty vs. Legalism

This summer has been pretty cool so far. God has given me a curious spirit to learn and grow and really dig deep into His word. This past week I have been reading Galatians and I stopped reading 1 Kings. I don't usually just stop in the middle of books, but I am realizing that it was very much OCD or just routine. Our relationships isn't based on what books we read, although reading through books is an amazing thing to do, but when it comes to be that you HAVE to read a book all the way through, then it becomes routine. God doesn't want our routine. So, with that I decided to read the first of four smaller letters of Paul's. When I got to Galatians 3, I was completely blown away. In this chapter it talked about the law and how it isn't meant to rule and regulate your life, but be a "tutor" for living a Godly lifestyle for Christ. We tend to see things in such a different way than this. I know I am a culperate for just doing the minimum, or doing the same thing everyday for a quiet time or just living out my daily life. This chapter spoke volumes on this in all 25 verses. Living out this life of routine and abiding the law as much as you can is so dull sometimes. It is like scraping nails on a chalk board, you don't gain anything and it causes more annoyance than pleasure to be diving into God's Word. And for the next chapter, it speaks about legalism, and how it can ruin so much. It can ruin your walk, other peoples walks and doesn't bring any glory to God. It brings your pride to full view because you think YOU on your own can live a perfect life. HA! God doesn't want your pride but your humility. Oh to be humble!

I have recognized this a lot lately while being at home. I have this tendancy to ridicule my parents or to judge their lifestyle based off the people I see at school. I look at the parents of friends or of professors who have children and live a seemingly great godly life and live out what they preach. When I am at home, I see it differently, where I feel like I have to say something to make a point about how they handle things. I do believe my parents to be Christians, but the way they live question so much of their character and how MUCH they follow what they read. And this all may be the case, but what is my role in this? Do I rebuke or as a daughter have to pray when these moments of anger and judging begin to creep about. I have talked about it a few times with Annmarie, my friend at the church and "boss" for my internship. She has been in similar situations, and she has told me that sometimes I do need to say something, but most of the time, the best I can do is pray. When these times of offense come, I need to pray. And I can see how this will work. The more I get frustrated, the more my parents seem to just get worse, haha. I almost become hypocritical. What a lesson to learn this summer! I have been really critiquing and modifying my character this summer, I'm learning more patience than I have before...well...really I have just paid better attention to my impatience. I pray that I will be able to really learn to think before I speak, and let prayer be that "tool" to do so. It works only if I try it.

I love these two chapters, it proves how liberating our relationship with Christ is, if we don't let ourselves get in the way. Our motivations must be pure as well. I don't know if it is Satan or God's testing that people come into our lives, especially of the opposite sex, to test our motives for living a Godly lifestyle. This has been an eye-opener for me as well this summer. Someone new has been brought to my attention, but I have found that I am learning to concentrate on God more heavily to protect myself! Haha. This may or may not make sense, but my motives are in question currently for wanting to draw nearer. Either it is too impress or because I can't seem to focus ENOUGH on Him. I think the latter is what I am trying to remember because the first brings a falsehood which on trial ends up emabarassing you. Blah! Oh the many times this has occurred. The inner workings of the heart, the ones more personal and between you and God are usually the ones that shine your beauty most. The beauty that you wanted to keep to yourself, but God brings into the light because it is your most tender and genuine abilities. He rejoices in that, and it is when you are more beautiful. What a thing to think when you are "hiding" these in your heart for God, you shine brightest. He blesses those who draw near and keep the greatest parts for Him. What a lesson I still need to learn!

Lord, I pray that You will help me to learn these lessons. Let my inner beauty shine forth, and let my motives be right. I pray that my own idea of living for You will not interfere with others growth, as it has. May I not judge so quickly based on others lives. May I protect my heart by Your words and strength so that these characteristics may become a part of my character. You are amazing God, I pray that I will stay teachable and soak up wisdom and knowledge like a sponge! Amen.

Genuine Faith- starts with humility

One thing I have realized is that praying for genuine faith comes with a spectrum of difficulties that only God could conjure up to help build faith muscles. This week, and I am sure for the enduring summer, I will prove this to be true. God has listened to my wishes of being genuine in my faith, humble and dependent, so that I could be a better leader, or so I could minister better. I lue of being chosen to be an SLD, I realized that there is so much more expected from an SLD than of a Prayer Leader. Not that either is better than the other, I enjoyed being a PL and would recommend the experience to anyone and everyone...who of course was fit for it and up to the challenge of reaching out to the people on their hall and loving them. What I mean is that, compared to the duties I had prior, more will be expected from me, my time, and from my school work. I prayed before school ended that I could have genuine faith, so that my ministry would reflect this. I didn't realize how tough it would be to see it unfold before me, as I am learning to trust in His love and in Him completely. I am excited for this opportunity, but the anxiety still reaches its maximum at almost every minute it can grip me. It catches me off-guard lots of times, when I feel that I am at my best. This is my first step towards genuine faith- ridding this anxiety and allowing me to have LIBERTY in Christ. I say Liberty more so than Freedom, just because my goal is to learn how to have genuine faith before my school year starts as an SLD.

I feel honored to have this position, but it has been so humbling trying to trust this summer. It is making me reflect on how much I try and rely on myself, and this battle will be on going for a while. I have built up so many systems and ideas in my head that it will take a lot of working thru to get it out of my way. Right now, it is an obstacle in my path of a better ministry. I think of John 15, the vine and the branches. I love this verse, but it is not one because it is happy go lucky or anything, but it is powerful and I feel that this process of ridding the bad fruit is something I am currently in. It hurts for sure, it isn't easy, and it is frightening because I am having to think outside of my own box. I have cried almost everyday, I miss being at school just because I feel like I grow so much there, and I enjoy these amazing opportunities God has set before me. However, this is another opportunity for me to grow even more, and I want so much for this to be able to help me in my ministry and as an SLD. I pray that this summer will be spent on my knees and in the Word, continuing to learn about Him, learn how to really have genuine faith, and ultimately to change for the better so that I can be the best SLD I can be for my PL's and for the hall.

Principles of a Daughter of Design #1: Daughters of Design have genuine faith...and it starts with humility.